little wild girl

35

2010-04-26T20:46:00.005-05:00

abandoned house, hanover, illinois

the art show last weekend was phenomenal and super fun and i'll have some pictures up from that sometime soon. thankyou to everyone who put it together and to everyone who came out!

the weather is so nice. i love spring. i love rainy days and sunny days and every day. i love adventures and learning to drive and flea markets and abandoned houses and diners and noisy music and fucked up shoes. i just want to go to sleep for the next few days because on thursday i get to go to portland, oregon, for the weekend! i'm way excited. i've always wanted to see the landscape of the northwest coast. i think if i could spend my whole life traveling and going to all sorts of new places it'd be the best thing. just the act of movement makes me unbelievably happy. i have so much hope for so many things. i'm crossing my fingers on a lot.

34

2010-04-13T22:24:00.003-05:00

no job, but school is almost over and i'm so ready for summer. i want to listen to fast music and jump off things. everything is getting better all the time.

33

2010-03-31T20:33:00.002-05:00

i want to put last week on repeat over and over and over again.

always got big plans, but they're always in the works
i swear they'd pay off if my luck don't give out first
lucero - raising hell

32

2010-03-16T22:57:00.004-05:00

i am so excited for summer i'm almost forgetting about spring. it's been nice as hell here lately. i love it when it's rainy or when it's sunny or when it's foggy (the rare few moments it is are incredible to me. i guess people on the northwest coast get sick of it after awhile but it seems like it never happens here in the midwest and i could go for a straight week of fog and never once feel like it wasn't like walking onto a gaseous planet in the solar system or something) or especially when the sky is a big bright blue. bad things happen and they get me down a lot but it's hard to feel bad when the weather is so dang nice.

i lost my job and somebody died young.

31

2010-03-15T19:45:00.002-05:00

i have too strong a desire to prove myself.

30

2010-02-26T11:56:00.000-06:00

canada was so great and i cannot wait to go back.

29

2010-02-10T18:11:00.001-06:00

in winnipeg, manitoba, canada. come out if you're around. :]

28

2010-02-08T21:36:00.003-06:00

27

2010-01-31T19:09:00.001-06:00

gonna make a lot of money and quit this crazy scene

26

2010-01-30T20:08:00.000-06:00

my pictures are so mediocre and so not on point with what's popular in photography right now.
i need to find something else to do with my life.

25

2010-01-26T17:09:00.001-06:00

i miss all the people i used to be close to.

024

2010-01-24T22:15:00.002-06:00

i don't know what it is about right now, but everything looks and sounds and feels so good, like pictures and songs and air. i don't know, maybe i got drugged or something, but everything is so vibrant now and just the other day everything was so bleak and blank and flat and i don't know, it's weird what two days of amazing melting foggy slightly warmer weather can do to me. i hope it doesn't get too cold again, january's gonna break my heart.

023

2010-01-22T14:05:00.004-06:00

the sky is white and the ground is white
here
EVERY DAY

022

2010-01-20T22:27:00.003-06:00

there's so much in me i can't make sense of, both physically and not, and sometimes i think i should take an anatomy class to understand how everything works but then that would probably just make me think even more. the way things work is wonderful, there's so much connected to everything but i feel like my synapses are always misfiring, i can't say what i mean to say.

i try to get everything out in pictures, but lately there's a disconnect there too. i am tired of everything falling through. i want to be presented an opportunity, no strings attached. i want life to take off. it's about dang time.

school started yesterday and i always like it a lot at first and think i'm never going to miss a class, but eventually i'll start to get bored and distracted --even though now, i swear, i am entirely invested, whole-heartedly and completely, i want to learn. but i also want to run. i want the snow to melt. if i don't get inside an abandoned house soon i'm going to die, i swear i will.

i can't wait for summer. i can't wreck people anymore. i need to get my act together. i need to chill the fuck out.

21

2010-01-14T23:53:00.001-06:00

20

2010-01-10T17:50:00.001-06:00

tell me something:
http://www.formspring.me/cariwayman

019

2010-01-02T13:07:00.002-06:00

2009 recap post the last sentence or so of the last blog entry and the last picture i posted on flickr for each month of the year
some entries from my old livejournal before i got this blog here

january

i don't like to admit it but some of the time i am horribly, impossibly lonely. i feel nervous and light and watery around other people, i talk too quiet and too fast and my heart beats hard in my chest like a rabbit's.

february

i like my apartment, but, you know. being somewhere new is just horribly entertaining for me even if i'm not actually doing anything. i kindof want to draw a picture. maybe i'll do that. i'm scared.

march

escapism is starting to creep all over me again. i'm spring-loaded, i want to jump from tree branches.

april

it's this thought that's at the back of my mind that's warning me against it, that i should stay in the city longer and be a regular young person with fleeting relationships and searching for meaning in the backs of used bookstores. that i'm not ready to grow up, but i think i am and i can handle it now. still, i'm just afraid.

may

this is still my favorite thing.

june

and i know sometimes i will feel trapped or isolated, i acknowledge that, but i will always try to keep in mind that my heart just gets fluttery sometimes, my muscles get twitchy and anxious to run, and just to keep running won't ever get me anywhere except really out of breath. but that's such a good feeling sometimes.

july

how do you find out if someone is dead?

august

i wish i was a fourteen year old girl. i am so jealous of them all.

september

someone to exchange mix cds with and talk about airplanes and write things on the sides of buildings with, someone who responds instantly, and with rapture--
and someone who is quiet and honest and not someone to have sex with, not even to make out with,
someone who knows things, wonderful, terrible, fantastic things.

october

today is my birthday
it's the first day of the beginning of the end of the world

november

i am just waiting for someone to discover me i guess.

december

you can rely on me honey

018

2009-12-26T22:44:00.003-06:00

you can rely on me honey

017

2009-12-21T21:41:00.001-06:00

internet, i can't tell you anything.

016

2009-12-17T11:00:00.001-06:00

my hair is greasy and my ribcage hurts.

015

2009-12-06T21:04:00.003-06:00

i'm going to have to post a bazillion times to keep up with everything.

i think i'm too shy to write a blog. or i have too many secrets. or i want to pretend i have too many secrets. or something.

i want to run really fast through the streets of a foreign city in winter when the air is so cold you can't breathe or feel your hands anymore. but it's alright.

letting up despite great faults - release

014

2009-11-07T13:54:00.003-06:00

i don't feel like writing posts enough to keep up with how often i take pictures, or to supplement the amount of pictures i take. it's funny i used to want to be a writer.

i wish my life was interesting enough to write about all the time but it's not, and i don't want to become one of those lame blogging people who just write about their dumb boring lives like what they had for breakfast or what they did at work or the funny trick their cat did or something. i'm not talking about anyone in specific. i just don't have any opinions on what happens in the world, i don't pay attention to music or art or fashion or celebrities or culture, so i only want to talk about my life but only if it's not boring. it's not like when i was younger and everything had this sting to it. nothing happens and i don't feel torn about most things that do. and some things are secret and there's no way i am comfortable talking about those things on some old blog.

mostly i am just in my head and i go to school and i go to work and i come home and i eat a microwaveable dinner and i go to sleep and then i wake up at 5:30 in the morning and spend two hours doing my eyeshadow but it always looks like i got punched in the face.

i am just waiting for someone to discover me i guess.

emily jane white - time on your side

richmond fontaine - song for james welch

013

2009-10-20T17:07:00.001-05:00

012

2009-10-14T21:04:00.002-05:00

today is my birthday
it's the first day of the beginning of the end of the world

011

2009-10-11T18:17:00.002-05:00

i am so terrible at keeping up with writing in a blog. i still do not like the word blog.

life is maybe not so interesting lately, but i do love fall very much. i think this summer went too fast. i don't know if it was as iconic as other summers. but maybe it will start to be that way the farther i get from it in time. there's always those songs of summer and they're starting to make themselves apparent for the summer of 2009. i wish i had time to do things besides work and school and homework. it's all very boring. and then when i get home all i want to do is sleep. i really really like sleeping lately, which is weird because i don't usually like sleeping. i remember when i used to like writing and i wish i still did.

i hung up some maps on the wall and this place is starting to feel more like home, but i don't like how messy it is and how cold it is and how there isn't very much sunlight, especially when the painters are here and they cover up the windows with big strips of brown paper and barely any light can get in at all. i hate having to use electric lighting all of the time. it makes me feel very drained. like maybe i am made of light and i need to suck it in through my pores to be active. like a plant or something. maybe i am like a plant.

brian and i had our one year anniversary in august, august 20th, i don't know if i talked about that. i am really happy about that.

you know, i don't think that person i thought was dead is actually dead and i am not sure if i am more scared of him being dead or him being alive. i don't know what to do past think about it so i try not to think about it because it isn't very productive now is it.

i would like to be a healthy person. i would like to get a tape player and some books on tape and then go running and walking and just listen to stories. but i don't have time for anything except work and school and homework. it is not a very satisfying lifestyle. i am dissatisfied with my level of production. i don't think i make very much out of anything. and plus i am a horrible procrastinator.

for halloween i am going to visit some friends in central illinois and i am very excited. i will take a train, and i love train rides. i will make some mix cds. or maybe i will have an ipod by then and i could just listen to that. but i really like being on public transportation and listening to music on very large headphones and looking out the window. in the city at night is lonely and wistful and beautiful and simple, and in the fall in the countryside with the light flickering fast through the trees rushing by is rushed hopeful and invigorating. i wish there were a hundred hours in a day. i wish i didn't love the way it feels to sleep. i like to be inside a world of soft and warm. i want to make a fort.

i very much need a photography friend to drive around and take pictures with. that is if i had time for anything. i don't understand why i am so bored of music lately. i am happy but i am very restless.

and farewell to the girl with the sun in her eyes

tom waits - old shoes (and picture postcards)

010

2009-09-16T23:40:00.005-05:00

i can't believe i actually used to hate chocolate milk. i think i used to be a major freak or something.

i pick off the layers of my fingernails until they become very brittle. i like peeling layers off things, i like the act of uncovering, trying to reach a center. or maybe i just like destroying tiny things. i chew on plastic a lot.

i will be 21 years old in one month? did i talk about this. i feel like i talked about this. in china somebody found a snake that grew a whole foot. i think that's pretty neat. i don't understand why i can only make good friends with people who live far away. i don't understand why my thoughts and words are so simple lately.

it's fall and fall is my favorite season and it got sortof cold today and it was so wonderful i could barely stand it. the leaves are starting to come off the trees and get all crunchy and crumbled on the ground. i get more introverted by the minute. i am nervous about everything. but i cannot wait to go on wonderful fall adventures. fall is the season i fall in love and i hope it happens again in some way this year because that's an awful nice feeling. i've used the word "fall" too much in this paragraph.

soon i will learn to ride a bicycle and i will get a flask and engrave it with something and then i will ride around the streets and drink under trees and read books under blue skies and stand on bridges and throw rocks in the river. sometimes i think i want to take out a classifieds ad and it would say:

"WANTED: someone to go to parks with
at night, under extremely tall baseball field lamps
to go on long walks with
preferably with a vehicle
so we can drive to the city beaches at night when it's cold
and stick our heads out the windows when we're going fast down a busy street
on a friday or saturday night when there are a lot of people out at bars and dance clubs
and we'll say we don't understand why they do that,
put themselves through that,
when you can drink at home and dance in the streets,
and we'll say we understand why dogs do this, this sticking their heads out the windows business
and we should do it at least once a week to keep our spirits up, you know
someone to go to libraries with
and museums of natural history
someone who doesn't have other people and doesn't want other people and someone who doesn't get sad or angry and someone who doesn't get disappointed in me
someone who doesn't care about wasting gas or time or energy
someone who is a book person and doesn't want to talk about it
someone who is not far away, preferably in the northwest suburban chicago region,
just so when we'd call each other late at night it wouldn't be long a long wait after saying, "let's just fucking go somewhere, man"
(it doesn't matter where, i promise, really, i'm not all that picky)
someone to exchange mix cds with and talk about airplanes and write things on the sides of buildings with, someone who responds instantly, and with rapture--
and someone who is quiet and honest and not someone to have sex with, not even to make out with,
someone who knows things, wonderful, terrible, fantastic things."

just one more time, promise i don't need to worry
marching band - for your love

009

2009-09-10T22:48:00.001-05:00

008

2009-08-31T21:30:00.003-05:00

summer ended so fast, i didn't even see the whole thing happening at all. i am in enrolled in a community college now and it is very strange to be in school again, but i think i like it, i like being there and the only thing that's intimidating is having to be around people my own age. i don't really like being around people my own age, i feel very uncomfortable and like i am too peculiar for anyone to relate to, thus impeding the forming of friendships. i think i'm going backwards, i think you're supposed to get less shy and socially-inept as you get older, but i just keep getting worse. but the positive side is that as i get older, i care less about the consequences of being this way.

i went to ohio and california and ohio and i'm going back to ohio this weekend again. for a secret project, i can't tell you about it yet. brian and i had our one year anniversary on august 20th. i am more happy and in love than i have ever been with a single person or thing. i am excited about life but i am so afraid of disappointing everyone. i cannot stand it when i don't do a good job for someone who is expecting it of me. i still feel like i'm playing at being professional when i really have no idea what i'm doing. with photography mostly, but with life and everything too. my heart beats fast like a little bird's before every time i enter a room. sometimes the thought of everything that must be achieved makes me sick and i have to go throw up. sometimes it makes me feel like my lungs have been lifted.

fall is the best season for me, and it's gotten cold quick around here. i don't know how i can be energetically listless, hopefully hopeless, and creative in soft desperation but that's always how it is around now. and i always fall in love in the fall. there's that, too. i am trying to make better decisions. i'll be 21 in a month and a half! it's exciting but it's also really scary and sad because i already feel old enough. sometimes i think it's pointless to make art now because i can no longer be a child prodigy. i have felt that way for many years. i wish i was a fourteen year old girl. i am so jealous of them all.

okay i'm talking too much. goodbye, blog.

007

2009-08-16T11:26:00.004-05:00

hello, i forgot i had a blog.

the best thing to me is to meet people who really wholy and completely give a shit. about anything. i don't understand people who don't make things. it's incredible to meet people who entirely invest themselves in something. i don't know, the words made more sense in my head then. last night was one of the top ten nights of my life.

006

2009-07-31T11:40:00.003-05:00

i didn't mind you blaming me for your mistakes,
i just held you in the doorframe through all of the earthquakes

how do you find out if someone is dead?

the antlers - two

005

2009-07-26T23:06:00.003-05:00

i just returned from an incredible trip to ohio. there were lots of pretty things and abandoned things, even an abandoned amusement park. once i finish editing all of the pictures maybe i will post a photographic-adventure-tour thing.

004

2009-07-23T15:59:00.002-05:00

this is a post about being very excited about a lot of things.

someone still loves you boris yeltsin - pangea

003

2009-07-22T20:34:00.005-05:00

i left that message in glow in the dark letters on the roof of a building in a forest three summers ago and i went back last week and it was still there. but i couldn't find the canyon i climbed up when i was thirteen, so maybe i made it up in my head, but i swear it was there, and so were all these hollowed out trees you could hide in, and a field at dusk full of fireflies going up. i like what a huge field faraway looks like just when it's starting to get dark, and there's a million fireflies and you understand why they're called lightning bugs, like little zaps and sparks out of every corner of your eye, something tiny and electric in the organic dark. we drove around last night while it was half-raining and found a look-out-point, and big empty fields expanding to a pitch black horizon, and tiny crowded neighborhoods on riverfronts where every single person owns a boat. listening to def leppard and hands reaching out the window.

this summer has been less than epic and i didn't really notice that it's almost over. i didn't even really notice it started. it's been so cold and rainy but i really really like that. i want every summer to feel like the beginning of summer, like june is just starting and i've been hopeful all the time. it's not like last summer which was epic in this sad way, sad in this way that i got hysteric sometimes and i would laugh a lot and not think and see six red foxes in a grey cemetery, slumped against headstones. and then i couldn't wait for it to end, to move on and out and get to the city, and now i sortof miss it, like it was this tiny cute sad chapter of things and i get nostalgic for just about anything. summers especially. maybe i'll just remember this one as calm and sweet and undefined and i'd be okay with that. but maybe it's verging on some hidden epic event, some turning point, something is about to begin.

i like sitting on train tracks and writing secrets on rocks and throwing them, and rickety metal pole playgrounds that aren't safe or made of plastic; forest fortresses and looking up walking distance on google maps from where i am to somewhere i am not. it would take me 27 days and 14 hours to get to portland oregon, 49 days and 3 hours to anchorage alaska. only 4 days and 4 hours to detroit, the great smoky mountains 8 days on the dot. it doesn't seem that long. but it'd take me longer i think because i'd get distracted and stop off the road for so many things and my legs are small. horoscopes are weird, it said my best days for love this month were july 10 and july 18/19. i don't know, i guess i see it.

jessica lea mayfield - for today

002

2009-07-20T22:32:00.005-05:00

when it's like butterflies, everything seems alright
(beautiful/undecided)

shack - undecided

001

2009-07-19T20:58:00.002-05:00

hi, my name is cari and this is my new blog thing. i don't really understand blogs yet, and actually i don't really like the word blog, but i am going to try this anyway. i will probably post pictures and sometimes songs and talk about my adventures and other things like that. i probably won't have opinions on world events or cultural observations. i'm not really like that. if you don't like it, that is okay. okay!

if you want to know, i am a 20 year old girl who lives in a small town in the midwest.
i'm mostly this:
http://www.flickr.com/yyellowbird